Friday, November 27, 2009

Pianists Healthcare Bill

Jeremy Dink's healthcare plan for concert pianists, Legislating from my Bench, addresses several important points, including basic piano rights, dealings with piano technicians, bad outfit insurance, and more. I think I enjoyed Division D the most, however:

1) Pianists who request backstage meals and enter their dressing room to find a plate of carrots and celery with ranch dressing shall be permitted to make a nuisance of themselves; henceforth, hurling Ranch dressing shall not be considered a crime within the confines of Performing Arts Centers.
2) Pianists shall be insured against the possibility of bad hotel room service meals, particularly against Midwestern Alfredo Sauce; but also not-entirely-unfrozen Mozzarella Sticks; and any boneless chicken breast which has been grilled more than fifteen (15) minutes. For each incidence of the foregoing, the pianist will be permitted one preposterous head-toss during the course of the concert; or one inappropriate flirtation with a member of the orchestra with which he or she is appearing, whichever comes first.
3) Pianists who post results of the following quizzes on Facebook:
a) What Chopin Etude are you?
b) What Beethoven Sonata are you?
c) What Great Composer are you?
… and any other similarly constituted or equivalent quizzes, as deemed by a representative panel of musicologists and social networking experts, relinquish all rights to all insurance heretofore enumerated."

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