Quarentinewhile ...

Some collaborative piano geekery for you:

Covid19 has caused a lot of things (i.e. increased levels of anxiety and backyard vegetable gardening) and also launched a new trend: baking.  Nationwide, since March 2020, thousands of banana breads, vats of frothy sourdough starters and stacks of cakes have appeared.  Stress-baking, our new favorite way to kill time (some people invest more time than others).  Further proof (no pun intended*) of the trend was the widespread disappearance of flour and yeast from grocery stores for 3 months.  Stockpiling is another new hobby this year, apparently.   

I also have spent waaay too much time in the kitchen, and am primarily thankful that I haven't grated off my thumb yet (pianist, remember?).  Not that performing is much of an option these days - most musicians are presently muzzled, so to speak.  Live performances, any group singing or similar interactions are not the safest thing: Zoom, live streaming and outside performances from a distance are our unsatisfying alternatives.  Small wonder that 'comfort meals' are so popular now.  

Occasionally, culinary thoughts wander into the music realm - consider how recital programming is often discussed in terms of meal planning.  Other times, gastronomy veers directly into music scores** (or flat out T-bones the Mack truck that is opera in this case).  For example, Lee Hoiby's one-act opera Bon Appétit!, pairs the sung text of a cookbook written by master chef Julia Child with a small chamber orchestra. The mezzo has to sing and bake simultaneously (its kind of like watching an operatic Rachel Ray episode). For those who'd prefer not to fling frosting onstage, there is no actual cooking in Leonard Bernstein's song cycle, La Bonne Cuisine (lyrics). There's still plenty of drama in the four French recipes: from the pressing urgency of the 'plum pudding' to the demanding 'rabbit in a hurry', the cycle is a great vehicle for both performers to channel their inner Gordon Ramsay. 

Some operas and songs favor specific dishes instead of list ingredients. Seymour Barab's one-act opera [parody], "La Pizza con Funghi" (Mushroom Pie) centers around Countess Formaggio attempting to kill her husband with poisonous mushrooms. Less homicidal but equally funny is William Bolcom's "Lime Jello Marshmallow Cottage Cheese Surprise"(lyrics). Its a hysterical romp that pokes fun at potlucks, the disturbing cooking trends of the 70s, and Ladies' Club norms. The "Ice Cream Sextet" from Weill's Street Scene also deserves a shout out (or a scream, I suppose). The strangest one in this category is Gabriel Kahane's "If Anyone Knows..."(Timestamp 1:58)(lyrics) from his song cycle "Craigslistlieder". I challenge you to find any other song about sandwich relish.

I was rather stunned to discover not one, but two song cycles about sentient vegetables. Daron Hagen's song cycle, "Vegetable Verselets"(lyrics) portrays a narcissist cucumber, militant corn, betrothed celery and more. Sure to make you cough loudly and knock several times on your fridge door before you open it from now on, is Danika Loren's "The Sex Life of Vegetables". You'll never look at your crisper drawer the same way again. Fruit has also received some attention in art song, like in Lori Laitman's song set, "Plums", which discuss the enjoyment (and theft) of ripe plums. Laitman also composed "Refrigerator", poem penned by Thomas Lux, a steamy ode to Maraschino cherries that is full of unrequited longing. Sadly, the only other time I've encountered fruit on a recital program was a song cycle by "Joseph Cantaloupe"***.

I'll end**** with the most eerily prophetic song yet, seemingly written to directly address Covid19: Pasatieri's "Overweight, Overwrought, Over You" (lyrics).

 

*I really tried to leave out obvious food pun references in this blog. Unused, for example, are the phrases 'food for thought', 'stirred/whipped/cooked up', 'half-baked', 'embroiled', 'on the rise', 'don't trifle with', 'has soured', 'the time is ripe', 'spills the beans' ... someone give me a medal.

**Parameters for musical choices were mainly 'stuff I like', but also the music had to actually discuss food on some level other than just using the word (for example, "If Music Be the Food of Love" isn't about food) 

***Just in case you didn't know, the composer's name is Joseph Canteloube

****Of course this isn't the end.  I've discovered a ridiculous amount of food-related music.

Further info left out due to lack of space/interest, but still worth mentioning:

Steve Cohen, La Pizza del Destino 

Jack Beeson, To a Sinister Potato (text by Peter Viereck)

Daron Hagen, The Poetry of Sausages: Morcilla

Sergei Prokofiev, The Love for Three Oranges

Peter Tiefenbach, "Chansons de Mon Placard" or "Songs From My Cupboard" (subjects: seaweed, cornstarch, steak spice and Aspirin)

We All Do This

Failed Slogan 2:

We put the ‘Borat’ into ‘Collaborative Piano’

Failed Slogan:

We put the ‘Labor’ into ‘Collaborative Piano’

I See Bass!

5 Stages of Performance Denial

The 5 Stages of Performance Denial

When confronted with a no-win performance situation, pianists often undergo five discrete mental stages*:

• Denial – “I can do this”;  “Anyone can learn a Brahms sonata in one week”
• Pleading - “I can beg someone to sub”; "Who else can do this instead of me?"
• Bribery – “I can pay outrageous amounts for someone to sub"; "I will give my life savings if..."
• Coercion – “I can blackmail someone into subbing”; “I know you’re the one who never gave Prof X’s Schubert score back”
• Acceptance - “Public humiliation is imminent”; "I can't fight it, I may as well prepare for it." 

Seriously freaked performers skip the stages and simply practice for 18 hours a day.  Be smart.  Just Say No.  

*The humiliation avoidance process is highly personal. Steps do not necessarily come in the order noted above, nor do all pianists experience all steps (although they usually experience at least two). Those working through the stages possibly should consider several hours of caffeine-fueled rehearsals or support groups.  

Tweets!

A smattering of the offerings on Twitter, under the hashtag #accompanisthaiku

Dear NATS: your rule on

'Original copies' means

I play with one hand

No, really, it's fine.

I'll just guess what those notes were

on the last system.

No need to turn and

Nod as if I'm the butler

I'll play when you breathe

I'll be singing this

Song by Jason Robert Brown

(hold soft pedal down)

Improvise while the

Soprano makes up German?

All in a day's work

The Hal Leonard version:

Just like the older versions

But with worse page turns

Paul Hindemith wrote

sonatas for everyone.

I wish he hadn't.

Why is my music

more difficult than yours is?

Damn you, soloist!

You think that you are

conducting the choir yourself.

The organist leads

Nobody panic

The measures that you just skipped

Didn't matter much

You call me at nine

with audition tomorrow -

that's seventy bucks.

Critic in Row M:

I accompanied ably.

Last sentence is done

Acknowledge me, don't

Acknowledge me, just so long

As I still get paid

When a singer falls

Off pitch, off rhythm, off beat

I just play louder.

Pianist Haikus, #2

Fish swim, birds fly and
Freelance musicians gotta
Drive until they die
 . . . (my deepest apologies to Hammerstein and Kern)

Dear NATS: your rule on

'Original copies' means

I play with one hand

Pianist Haikus

Gig haikus* have been floating around the internet for awhile - mostly from the jazzer or bandmember's perspective.  I penned a few to express a different perspective, and will probably add on periodically as the muse strikes. CP's should understand the references:

Love's Philosophy

This isn't my voice jury

But I am on trial

If I never thought

She'd come to rehearse today

Am I still stood up?

Did not check the score

*kicking self repeatedly*

Before saying yes

*My favorite of that bunch:

I'm sending a sub

But don't worry, he'll be fine

He's fresh from rehab

Jury Week Relief 2*

Redeem from your voice department.

*What we really want: Bribery.

Jury Week Relief

Jury week generally sucks. It may help pianists to have a game on the back burner - such as backstage bingo, CP-style.

Have a multi -CP competition. Betting is optional.

Second Try

I've been tinkering with the poster idea, mainly because it makes me giggle. It was inspired by this poster which I had as a teenager, and is mainly contains inside jokes for anyone who is or knows a Collaborative pianist. Anyway, this is the latest incarnation. Suggestions are appreciated.

*Disclaimer: Photos chosen randomly, will happily replace if owner requests

Hey Kids!

Get your own Bach, Beethoven and Mozart action figure!

Bach Action Figure

Beethoven Action Figure

Mozart Action Figure

You can also get Wagner. Or a Viking Helmet.

Food for Musicians

Clarification

Over the past few years, I have heard several people claim to attend concerts featuring 'Carmen Miranda'. I'm relatively certain they actually meant 'Carmina Burana', and would like to offer a brief example of the two for comparison.

Carmina Burana sounds like this.


This is Carmen Miranda.

Just sayin'.

*Additional Silliness:

Natalie Dee has several genius moments, including her recent impression of an American Carmen Miranda:

Two Collaborative Pianists Walk Into a Bar . . .

Among musicians, personality stereotyping is rampant. Whatever traits driving someone to choose say, the tuba, combined with quirks enabling excellence in the tuba, ultimately form a set of idiosyncrasies that are often, um, mocked. There aren't that many stereotypes about pianists, though, and I have yet to find anything for collaborative pianists/accompanists. After jotting down tendencies I've noticed, I realized they weren't really traits as much as weird learned behaviors, probably significant only to those familiar with the CP 'breed'. I've observed several pianists who tend to:

• Unconsciously cue entrances with a head gesture, sniff or deep breath
• Constantly rearrange sheet music to eliminate page turns
• Possess strong opinions on the 'use of plastic music protectors' debate
• (females) Often opt to yank one's hair back in an 'I-don't-have-time-for-this' ponytail
• Experience total glee upon discovering the IMSLP database
• Possess multiple music binders, toted in something the size of a suitcase with wheels
• Eat meals in bar form
• Wear engagement and wedding rings on a neck chain
• Maintain a strong affection for 44 oz caffeinated drinks
• Easily keep a straight face if a singer has forgotten their lyrics and begun scatting German
• Possess advanced photocopier skills
• Regularly agree to some piece or performance that is diabolically intricate or really inconvenient, then kick themself for saying yes
• Notice that 90% of male CPs specializing in vocal music are straight and married to a singer, or are gay

Sometimes I wonder about my own quirks, such as the tendency to:

• Keep a small, piano-friendly, crook-necked lamp (and extension cord) in my car
• Bring an empty 3-ring binder, 3-hole punch, scotch tape and highlighter to juries and auditions
• Keep a metronome in my purse at all times
• Suffer from recurring nightmares that I'm handed new music 20 minutes before a performance

Clearly, pianists just don't make good joke material. We'll probably never find out how many collaborative pianists it takes to screw in a light bulb. I did like this joke, however, which plays on the know-it-all nature of pianists:

A pianist and singer are rehearsing "Autumn Leaves" for a concert and the pianist says:

"OK. We will start in g minor and then on the third bar, modulate to B major and go into 5/4. When you get to the bridge, modulate back down to f# minor and alternate a 4/4 bar with a 7/4 bar. On the last A section go into double time and slowly modulate back to g minor."

The singer says: "Wow, I don't think I can remember all of that."

The pianist says: "Well, that's what you did last time."

Related article: Musician Racism